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When I taught in Sunday skool, one brat misinterpreted 'I will make you fishers of men' as 'I will make you tissues for men'.

Gill the Piano wrote:When I taught in Sunday skool, one brat misinterpreted 'I will make you fishers of men' as 'I will make you tissues for men'.

We always used to sing 'fishes of men' until we got told otherwise. I know that song 'and if you fol-low-me...' Spose you used to play for all of those restless kids trying to sing with their fingers up their 'ooters.

I did. Fingers up their 'ooters was the least of it...

..just hope you didn't let the green fingered scholars anywhere near the piano...

The Beatles feeling a little phlegmy....while my catarrh gently weeps.

I am British, so my natural evolved focus is towards toilet humour. From the Monster Mash: 'I was working in the lav late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight....'

Heard a song today whose words I have never understood despite having heard it for years. Sounds like 'Yah mo be there...up & over...' but probably isn't. Sounded a bit like Lionel Richie type voice.

That sounds like James Ingram and Michael McDonald (that's the bloak out of the Doobie Brothers) from the mid 1980s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFnzSmTzgt4

That's the one. I've looked at the lyrics but I can't see 'up & over' in there!

'Yah mo beeeee there....up and ooooo-ver'
'Yah mo beeeee there.....up an' ooo-eee'

Here's a corker from Michael McDonald, It Keeps You Running (no misheard lyrics):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BsTF22SPyM

Prat Boone...and if I don't take her to the dentist next week, Johnny will!

From 'Sway' sung by Dean Martin; " Other dancers may pee on the floor...". And however many times you hear it, it still sounds like it...

Gill the Piano wrote:From 'Sway' sung by Dean Martin; " Other dancers may pee on the floor...". And however many times you hear it, it still sounds like it...

Just like the Proclaimers 'When I get drunk, and I know I'm gonna pee.....' etc.

Stan Ridgway 'Camouflage'....'to save a young marine caught in a Farage'. Or Justin Timberlake sailing down Sevastopol's waterways. Crimea river.

Billy Ocean 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going', the repetition towards the end tells us to go and get stuffed several times.

dave brum wrote:' caught in a Farage'.

Why isn't it pronounced 'farridge' like 'garridge'? I spose he's posh, with a garAAAAAAAAAAAAHje.

Gill the Piano wrote:

dave brum wrote:' caught in a Farage'.

Why isn't it pronounced 'farridge' like 'garridge'? I spose he's posh, with a garAAAAAAAAAAAAHje.

One of my fave leftie comedians, Mark Thomas talked in the Birmingham Post a few weeks ago about this and at every comedy gig he does, he tries, with the help of the audience, to offer a dictionary definition for the word 'farage'. Apparently, it is pronounced 'farridge' and it's what you do after your dog has been in the bush and done his toilet to retrieve it in a plastic bag and dispose of it accordingly. As in 'I faraged around for half an hour but I still couldn't find it'.

How about one from old Scottish band Deacon Blue: Oh, Sid James, my biggest influence ('Fergus Sings The Blues')

Ha! Reminds me of the splendid book 'The Meaning Of Liff'.

Isn't that the book that 'defines' British town names, like 'exeter' (a surplus or spare piece of furniture assembly equipment), 'ludlow' (a block of wood put under a short table leg to stop the table from wobbling) and 'bootle' (the stuff you carry around with you in the back of your car, such as a spare wheel, tyre repair kit, de-icer etc.)?

Looking at a Mark Thomas interview on the Gu's website, I came across a link to a song that offered a whole host of definitions of the word 'farage'. Could also be a noun, the sticky, smelly liquid you find at the bottom of a kitchen waste bin when you take the full liner out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDU_bbtLEIQ

dave brum wrote:Isn't that the book that 'defines' British town names, like 'exeter' (a surplus or spare piece of furniture assembly equipment), 'ludlow' (a block of wood put under a short table leg to stop the table from wobbling) and 'bootle' (the stuff you carry around with you in the back of your car, such as a spare wheel, tyre repair kit, de-icer etc.)?

That's the one. I think Amersham (a town near me, where I go to be beaten by an osteopath) was defined as the feeling you get from sitting on a warm toilet seat...

My wife leaves a lovely amersham behind....no, it doesn't quite go. How about 'my wife leaves a lovely bromsgrove behind'?

But what's a bromsgrove...?

Gill the Piano wrote:But what's a bromsgrove...?

I wish I knew......do you remember a sketch on 'Three Of A Kind' with Lenny Henry, Tracey Ullman and David Copperfield where all three of them are sat on a park bench with their newspapers and Lenny exclaims 'Says here, 40% of adults have trouble Reading'. 'Where's Reading?' 'Near 'Sluff'.

Yes, a bromsgrove. The part of a mop bucket you put your wet mop into to wring all of the excess water off.

I don't remember that sketch, but I do remember the fact that 17 out of ten facts are made up.

That nauseating Shoop Shoop song by Cher or Betty Everett. It's in his p**s, (that's where it is!). Should be renamed The Urine Test Song.

Don't - I'm playing that for the choir at the moment; eight pages, all exactly the same apart from a desperate key change to try and keep people interested!

I'd quit the choir if I had to sing along to that! Or Madonner you just keep on pushing my love over the waterline.

They did a Madbugger one once; Like A Prayer. i was praying for it to finish.

It's got to be one of those generic Rock Choirs. It sure sounds like one!!!

No, it's ladies mostly in their 30s but a few from either side of that, who just like to get together and sing. We are trying to educate them gently by slipping the odd bit of classical into the repertoire - and Sondheim who is worthwhile learning, but difficult. (And a pig to play, said the accompanist bitterly).

Who leads it?? Itd love to join a choir. When I was going to church many moons ago (before I read Dawkins and Marx) the churchwarden, knowing I was interested in music tried to get me to join. He asked if I could read music. This posting ends here.

A lot of the yummies don't read music, they learn parrot fashion and I'm constantly astounded at what a good job they make of it.

In the bigger Hobgoblin Music in Birmingham yesterday (still not big enough for what the Second City SHOULD have for a music shop) I came across an easy play book of folk songs. Including Hubert Gregg's most famous number 'Maybe It's Because I'm A Land Owner'.

Don't know why this old chestnut's suddenly come back into my head: John Foxx 'Underpants':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjA-aFWOZOw&feature=kp

The Distillers 'Drain The Blood'. All my friends are mullahs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yU4oY0ayl4

Flowers In The Rain: Varicose upon my eiderdown

When I was about 5 we used to sing a hymn in assembly, tune now usually called Lightly Row, but the words were Little Bird I have heard

In the middle there was a line "Jesus' little ones are we"

I sang it, without really understanding why Jesus, little, wants a wee.

gizzy wrote:When I was about 5 we used to sing a hymn in assembly, tune now usually called Lightly Row, but the words were Little Bird I have heard

In the middle there was a line "Jesus' little ones are we"

I sang it, without really understanding why Jesus, little, wants a wee.

I often wondered why, if the Gospels were a true account of the life of the messiah, that it wasn't mentioned that he ever went for a piddle behind a cactus or a temple. Is the reader to assume that this god in human form had a knot tied in it for the 35 years of his ministry, with no mention of the actual culprit in the Gospels?? John the Knot-Tier???

'Derek and Clive' only scratched the surface on this one.

There's been a lot cut out of the Bible. There may be a reference to widdling in the Apocrypha...

Gill the Piano wrote:There's been a lot cut out of the Bible. There may be a reference to widdling in the Apocrypha...

There's certainly a reference to it somewhere in the OT. About Saul going into a cave to - as the King James version, I think, puts it - "cover his feet" God, he wasn't a very good aimer, was he?

But they didn't put toilet functions in other books - Nobody has a slash in Pride & Prejudice, and as far as I know (haven't read them all) in the entire canon of Charles Dickens there's not one pee.

Even in the 1950s, my brother wrote in a story "when they got to the house, John said he wanted to go to the toilet". His teacher was incensed. "MARTYN!" she said sternly "people NEVER go to the toilet in stories!"

Plenty of references to David lying with Bathsheba, Abraham lying with Sarah, some other bloke letting his Sea Man spill onto the ground. But no bodily functions.

Maybe in the capacity of Mrs Windsor, as head of the church of Britain, and Francis, head of the church in Rome, they follow the biblical example and refrain from going to the larpom, She doesn't go to the toilet, She is The Queen! is the rallying cry of those who believe there is an actual place in Lancashire called Weatherfield.

gizzy wrote: There's certainly a reference to it somewhere in the OT. About Saul going into a cave to - as the King James version, I think, puts it - "cover his feet" God, he wasn't a very good aimer, was he?

From what my friends with sons and/or slovenly husbands have said, he seems reasonably typical...

I've heard the euphemism 'going to splash my boots/socks' for the act of male urination (not though I ever do that, but I used to before I gave up alcohol).

Round here the men say they're 'going to turn their bike round'.

Gill the Piano wrote:Round here the men say they're 'going to turn their bike round'.

My favourite is 'going to the brown cafe'.

Foster and Allen: They say we are feeble with AIDS, Maggie'.

Looking once again at those wonderful BRMB T-shirts on Red Molotov got me thinking about their old jingle package, based on the theme 'BRMB, because.....'.

My grandmother always used to listen to BRMB and their travel jingle used to go something like: BECAUSE...you're on the moon. You're On The Mo-ooo-ooooon, BRMB because you're on the moon. Then again, she always used to listen on an old transistor radio on medium wave. When I first heard it on my ghetto blaster on 94.8 FM as it was then, it actually sounded more like 'move'.

I prefer gran's version...

Yes, followed by Les Ross rambling on about rush hour traffic on the 'Aston Distressway'. The 'because you're at the heart of what's happening' jingle can plainly be heard in the first scene of 'Eh Brian':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3k6m057Zro

Watched this earlier on. It's bostin. The Hoochie Coochie Man from Kingstanding (Kingstanding being a gargantuan post war slum clearance estate in the north of Birmingham):-


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlJVtFS6xDE

Jason Donovan There's a pain in my a*se, and when you come back to me oh, how the fire will burn

(one of C*ck Aching and Waterman's finest pieces of art)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbZSBP5CgpI