General Election 2015

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 02 Apr 2015, 12:44

Okay. I should point out that this is NOT a platform for political debate on the issues that the election is fought. However elections (as are politics in general) are full to the brim with opportunities to ridicule, satirise and comedically goldmine. Just imagine if King Charles' Cavaliers had had the internet, Farcebook and Twatter to denounce the parliamentarian cause?

For instance, I had my polling cards through yesterday and if there is one thing that discourages me from voting it's where we have to go to exercise our democratic right (thank you, Mr.Cromwell). You are really lucky if you have to go to the school hall or church hall to vote. But on May 7th, I have to go to a seedy 'private members' club' that stinks of stale beer, has a sticky, crunchy carpet, and with posters everywhere advertising cheap entertainment that, after several units of beer will not seem as cheap. But the worst thing about having to go there is that when you get home, your clothes have the distinct aroma of alcohol and unwashed old blokes and Febreze needs to be deployed. I do think there should be a vote on where we have to go to vote.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 03 Apr 2015, 09:02

The leaders' depate on ITV1 last night was quite a pleasant surprise, not least because I found myself glued to it (delaying my piano practice) but the fact that it was the best television ITV had produced since Blockbusters or Spitting Image. The highlight, the three words of Welsh spoken in the debate by Leanne Wood - to which Julie Etchingham (who's from Leicester and a former presenter of Midlands Today and Newsround before she took a step down) tried to repeat on camera.

Subliminal Welsh lessons!

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 08 Apr 2015, 08:17

I went for a balti last night at David Camerons' favourite curry house, the Paprika in Longbridge (oddly enough it's in one of his party's 40 target seats) and there was a picture of David and Sam sat at a table in the restaurant tucking in. He had a bowl of what looked like pickles at his table, mango, lime, but no sign of Eric.

gizzy · Post by **gizzy** » 08 Apr 2015, 09:10

dave brum wrote:I went for a balti last night at David Camerons' favourite curry house, the Paprika in Longbridge (oddly enough it's in one of his party's 40 target seats) and there was a picture of David and Sam sat at a table in the restaurant tucking in. He had a bowl of what looked like pickles at his table, mango, lime, but no sign of Eric.

Oh, he will have been there in anagram form without a doubt.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 08 Apr 2015, 18:01

Indeed! (slick recipe)

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 08 Apr 2015, 21:26

dave brum wrote: I do think there should be a vote on where we have to go to vote.

But where would we go to vote on where we have to go to vote?

dave brum wrote:I went for a balti last night at David Camerons' favourite curry house, the Paprika in Longbridge (oddly enough it's in one of his party's 40 target seats) and there was a picture of David and Sam sat at a table in the restaurant tucking in.

Perhaps it was a form of aversion therapy...? To get peoples'money then put them off their food to clear the table to get in more people to put them off their food...etc., etc.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 10 Apr 2015, 06:14

Cameron wouldn't put me off my food. Or even Boris Johnson. Maybe Kitchener, Churchill+cigar, Thatcher or HM The Queen would do so if they were hanging on my wall in portrait fashion. HRH Princess Catherine (as she should be referred to as) will be giving birth soon. I'm sure there are some people who have not forgotten Cromwell who would wish 10 Downing Street as the home of new royal babby!

gizzy · Post by **gizzy** » 10 Apr 2015, 09:20

Did you see the Guardian front page picture yesterday (head-on-desk)? Had me laughing incoherently for ages! "make it stop!"

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 10 Apr 2015, 11:14

I didn't. You know I read the Daily Express!

Apparently, there's a new pill to tackle free thought....

The Not the 9 O'clock News Government statement on the unemployment crisis is good. Was thinking about it yesterday. (and the hand dryer in the Gents that plays Thatcher speeches when you push the metal button)

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 10 Apr 2015, 18:59

dave brum wrote:
on May 7th, I have to go to a seedy 'private members' club' that stinks of stale beer, has a sticky, crunchy carpet, .

They may get more poler's in if they offered a free pint or two when you vote

Barrie

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 11 Apr 2015, 06:07

Barrie Heaton wrote:
dave brum wrote:
on May 7th, I have to go to a seedy 'private members' club' that stinks of stale beer, has a sticky, crunchy carpet, .
They may get more poler's in if they offered a free pint or two when you vote

Barrie

It's strictly members only, one of the many private clubs in the locality that hasn't gone under with the closure and demise of the gargantuan Longbridge car plant, which occured ten years ago this week. Every time I venture past there there s always some a billboard full of dodgy tribute acts performing, with the obvious exception of Grappelli, du Pre or Artur Rubenstein tributes. Or Des O'Connor for that matter.

Don't know about beer but some lighting would be good as it's pitch dark in there without any windows. We want to vote for the Monster Raving Loonies and we end up voting Labour just because we just cannot see the text on the blooming ballot paper!

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 11 Apr 2015, 18:34

dave brum wrote: We want to vote for the Monster Raving Loonies and we end up voting Labour just because we just cannot see the text on the blooming ballot paper!

Not a lot in them is there could have been the

now that would have been a wasted vote

Barrie

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 11 Apr 2015, 19:04

I suppose the definitions of the word 'farage' and alternative names for Edward Scissorballs should move to this thread for the duration of the Campaign but one of the defending candidates in the Midlands is called Fabricant and I've always regarded 'fabricancy' as promising something before an election only to either do or advocate the opposite afterwards. Like the Liberal Democrats and tuition fees sort of thing.

Even my own party has some interesting definitions. Jason Kitcat, leader of Brighton Council - to take a brief sabbatical from front line politics is to take a kitcat or to have a kitcat.

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 12 Apr 2015, 16:27

They're all liars - promising you £10,000,000 and to come round and paint your kitchen...then after the election; nuffink.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 12 Apr 2015, 16:54

If a politician comes up to me and says if I vote for him or her then they will make me a good piano sight reader, I certainly won't fall for it!

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 14 Apr 2015, 10:08

Just made an alarming but not that surprising discovery - a kid at school who made my life a bloody misery and called me a 'mentally retarded (censored)' has now grown up to be a UKIP organiser and candidate in London.

What goes around comes around.....

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 14 Apr 2015, 17:34

dave brum wrote:Just made an alarming but not that surprising discovery - a kid at school who made my life a bloody misery and called me a 'mentally retarded (censored)' has now grown up to be a UKIP organiser and candidate in London.

What goes around comes around.....

Sound like the right background for a UKIP candidate

Barrie

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 15 Apr 2015, 06:48

Barrie Heaton wrote:
dave brum wrote:Just made an alarming but not that surprising discovery - a kid at school who made my life a bloody misery and called me a 'mentally retarded (censored)' has now grown up to be a UKIP organiser and candidate in London.

What goes around comes around.....
Sound like the right background for a UKIP candidate

Barrie

They launch their 'well thought out' manifesto today. Or should I say 'Bully's Charter'? Though I'd better stop being negative on here, people will only think I'm a closet 'Kipper'!

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 16 Apr 2015, 07:00

There used to be an indie-rock song that the now defunct Musicians Channel used to promote around the Millennium that went something like 'This Is My Manifesto, ciao ciao ciao' and the video included members of the band going around various locations in London standing on soapboxes and posing around in rosettes (taking care not to mention names of parties on said rosettes). I googled the words but nothing came up apart from satirisation of English politics, most notably from 'The Now Show'.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 16 Apr 2015, 09:40

Top Tip! If like me you're a bit sick of British media election overkill, then you can try the BBC World Service on DAB. Or RTE Radio 1 on long wave.

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 16 Apr 2015, 16:30

How do you programme a DAB radio? Or does it do it automatically? I'm contemplating getting one, but hear bad reports.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 16 Apr 2015, 16:50

When you first get one and plug it in, you have to 'scan' for available channels before you can hear anything. Stations on DAB are in groups called multiplexes, the 'BBC national DAB multiplex covers almost all of the UK and on it are all of the BBC's national services plus their digital only services such as Asian Network, Radio 6 Music, Radio 4 extra, 1Xtra etc. There is also a national commercial multiplex called Digital 1 which contains the UK's national commercial stations (Classic FM, LBC, Smooth, Magic etc) but is not as widely available nationwide as the BBC.

Then there are regional and local multiplexes which carry BBC and other local stations. London has 4 regional plexes so you may receive those. The London plexes carry stuff mainly aimed at London's different communities plus LBC News 1152 (not available nationally on DAB as 97.3 FM is) BBC London 94.9 and small scale stations. Possibly Resonance FM?

Here in the south of Birmingham the strongest signals are from the BBC national multiplex, Digital 1 and the Birmingham regional multiplex. The regional plexes for Black Country/Shropshire, Coventry and Hereford and Worcester are also receivable here but the signals are weak and that means intermittent burbling, the DAB equivalent of hiss on FM.

To be totally unbiased, DAB is future proof and in stereo, but it's also about squeezing as many channels into a certain amount of bandspace as is possible to do so. So audio quality suffers. Listen to Radio 3 on DAB for a while and then switch over to FM and you get a louder, better quality and more rounded sound. So my honest advice is - bearing in mind the Government are hellbent on switching off the analogue FM signal eventually, for quantity of stations and freedom of choice invest in DAB, but for quality of sound then stay with analogue FM. Hope that helps.

Naughty boy, going off topic and on my own thread as well! Smackybumbum!!!!

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 17 Apr 2015, 14:39

So if I vote for anyone who promises to keep analogue radio, we're back on track...

I may cautiously invest then...but get a grown up to plumb it in for me. As long as I can get R3 (bearing in mind what you said) R2, Radio Berkshire, Three Counties Radio and LBC I will be content.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 17 Apr 2015, 17:02

But you can get ALL those stations on FM anyway where you are. You may lose LBC on the other (Oxford) side of the Stokenchurch Gap as there is a music based commercial service transmitting from Banbury on 97.4. We can get that here.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 18 Apr 2015, 07:09

Another good election dodger, Five minute Party Election Broadcasts are not shown on BBC Two HD. Not sure if this is also the case on other HD versions of mainstream channels.

The world snooker starts today with red balls, blue balls, yellow balls and green balls. In the interests of impartiality I think there should also be a purple ball this year to stop our Nigel from getting jolly cross and crying into his ale (and when he does, all of Britain will know about it!)

And fifteen red balls. One of those must surely be Ed.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 18 Apr 2015, 07:15

Miliband: A type of circumferential waist gauge that many slimmers and models wear under their underwear in secret. Setting one's miliband too tight can cause breathing difficulties.

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 18 Apr 2015, 17:02

...particularly if worn across the nose as Ed Miller Band does. Prefer Steve.

Marlow FM tramples all over LBC here on FM when I use the little personal radio (so I don't wake His Lordship)...

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 18 Apr 2015, 17:33

I often wonder what will happen to Boris and his London mayoralty if Ed Miliballs becomes Prime Minister, Cameron resigns the leadership on the Conservative Party and Boris, now an MP in a very safe Tory seat in the west of the capital, challenges him and wins the party leadership with the backing of the rightwing grassroots.

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 18 Apr 2015, 19:40

dave brum wrote:Top Tip! If like me you're a bit sick of British media election overkill, then you can try the BBC World Service on DAB. Or RTE Radio 1 on long wave.

I listen to French, RT and al jazeera news in Eng you tend to ger news that is not normalcy aired on the UK mainstream

To Gil

DAB is good when works but is very bad when its bad. We only now use DAB in the house but we have a big Twig in the loft as my wife is more into Radio than TV except for the usual soaps. But if you have a smart phone then Tune in Radio is a good free app you can get Radio from all-over the world

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 19 Apr 2015, 15:50

Smart phone? I have a pay as you earn thing which makes/receives calls. O, and it has a torch, as I accidentally found out!

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 19 Apr 2015, 17:30

I had a cheap phone which I purchased from Tesco for £9, very basic which is just what I wanted and no going online. You phone with a phone and that was that, but it kept on unlocking itself whilst in my pocket and moving around. It too had a light and that would turn itself on in my pocket too. Fortunately I have no contacts on it (because I'm an antisocial little bustard chick) otherwise it would had made calls to them all whilst walking down the road or around the house. Best to go for a slightly below mid range Nokia WAP.

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 19 Apr 2015, 18:49

Gill the Piano wrote:Smart phone? I have a pay as you earn thing which makes/receives calls. O, and it has a torch, as I accidentally found out!

it takes photos as well then

do you have an Ipad or tablet as you can use them

I use my phone and ipad for booking in all my appointments still print out the days work

Barrie

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 20 Apr 2015, 16:22

1933 bakelite telephone
Filofax
Post-it notes
Ledger
Pencil/pen

I LIKE it in the nineteenth century. The whole house is like it, Barrie!

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 20 Apr 2015, 16:53

Do you have a heavy, obtrusive cellphone that is the same size as a brick, Gill??

Post by **Gill the Piano** » 21 Apr 2015, 17:06

Nope, 4" x 2" x 3/4".

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 21 Apr 2015, 19:58

Back on the election box

Sad that I am, been counting leaflet over the last week
Con about 2 a day Hand and by Royal mail 16 in all
Lab 3
UKIP 1
Lib 1
others 0

So the Cons must have more money to spend round hear

Barrie

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 21 Apr 2015, 20:15

The Tories are targeting my Labour-held seat of Birmingham Northfield:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/politics/cons ... /E14000565

though Rachel Maclean has only dropped as many leaflets here as the incumbent Richard Burden. The only other party that has dropped here is UKIP so far.

The forecasters say Richard Burden will keep is seat and I suspect his majority would be increased on the loss he suffered in 2010. As for UKIP, they look poised to hoover up the extreme right BNP's racist vote from 2010 here. The Green vote is growing here but slowly.

Whereas the Lib Dems hardly have any support here. However it's not like that everywhere in Birmingham. They had an MP in Solihull (also with a strong Green Party) Lorely Burt but it's a very tight marginal and Julian Knight is tipped to retake it for the Tories. But the Lib Dems are gaining in the polls so Solihull could benefit from this.

They also had an MP in Birmingham Yardley (in the east of the city) John Hemming - who is also a jazz pianist and still does jazz gigs across the city.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 22 Apr 2015, 10:20

It was the birthday of the Queen yesterday but the media didn't notice. They were all too concerned with Cameron, Sturgeon, Farage etc. Belated greetings, Your Majesty.

I always assumed, as the Queen and Royal Family are 'above' party politics, then they have no right to vote. The Queen is constitutionally forbidden to enter the House of Commons and so She appoints a representative - Black Rod.

But is seems that this is not the case. The British Head of State does have the vote but she chooses not to use it, being unconstitutional. You learn something new every day!!

By the way, Cameron, Sturgeon, Clegg, Wood, Bennett, Laud Hope, Walker, Galloway, Golding, all do not activate my spellchecker - but Farage, Miliband, Tilbrook (leader of neofascist outfit English Democrats) Harvie (leader of Scottish Greens) and Nattrass (leader of one man party AIP - An Independence From Europe - he was in UKIP until he fell out with old Delboy) all are not grammatically recognised by Windows.

dave brum · Post by **dave brum** » 22 Apr 2015, 12:58

Had two this morning, one from the British Conservative Party, and one from the American Conservative Party, otherwise known as UKIP. Nothing yet from Lib Dem or Green.

Post by **Barrie Heaton** » 22 Apr 2015, 16:55

dave brum wrote:Had two this morning, one from the British Conservative Party, and one from the American Conservative Party, otherwise known as UKIP. Nothing yet from Lib Dem or Green.

If the Greens send them out are they using recycled paper keeping up the green bit

Barrie